catholicsphere

I’m a cradle Catholic. I attended Catholic school for 12 years and received the sacraments at the appropriate times through the years — baptism, communion, reconciliation, and confirmation. During the early part of my childhood, we attended Sunday mass; Christmas and Easter were a must. Throughout school we had monthly all-school Mass.

I attended, for the most part, because its what my parents expected; it was out of obligation. I wasn’t going to Mass … I was going to church — the building. I recall grabbing on to other people’s excuses as justification for my not attending Mass.

During those Catholic school years, Catechism and Catholic teaching didn’t really appeal to me. I was much more interested in sports, friends and other subjects in school. Religion was just another subject that I had to (and did) pass. The thing was … I never took it to heart; I never paid it much attention. In fact, I didn’t know I had to. I believed in God, and I figured I was doing ok; after all, I was a good person, living a good life. I wasn’t robbing, raping or murdering anyone (nor was I planning on it). If I really wanted something, or was afraid of something, I asked God for it or to protect me from whatever I was afraid of. God was there when *I* needed Him; *if* I needed Him.

After high school, I attended community college and then a state university. That’s where I fell away almost completely. As I look back today, things began to change when I went away to college. I got caught up in the “freedom” that college dorm life can seem to bring. I got caught up in the partying and all of the girls around campus. And, I discovered the Internet and chat rooms too. My life began a downward spiral; it became darker and darker — and today I can say about that time … I wasn’t living a good life.

I was somewhat of a shy guy, and didn’t strike up conversations very easily. Internet chat rooms took care of that. I was able to jump into conversations with women. These conversations inevitably turned to discussions of inappropriate topics. These women were single, married, divorced; most of the time I didn’t know, and pretty much didn’t care. The conversations began to get a hold on me … and soon I was looking for every online conversation to be on these topics. Some of the conversations moved to the
phone. From the phone, there were a few that wanted to meet in person. At one point, I actually contemplated driving to Columbus, Ohio to meet a married woman. For some reason, I made excuses about why I couldn’t go … I assumed it was my conscience nagging me with some guilt about it. I seemed to be able to rationalize the online, but couldn’t rationalize a physical meeting that would probably lead to more.

Another discussion with a different woman, though, did lead to an in-person meeting. I regretted it immensely afterward. But, as I was chatting online with her about getting together again … my other phone line rang.

It was a girl I’d met in college. We’d gone out a few times but nothing had ever really sparked between us. We had been talking on the phone for the past month or so, prior to this phone call. I made an excuse why I had to log off the chat, and then returned to talking to this girl, Jill - (for those who hate suspense) Jill would eventually become my wife. After talking awhile, something prompted me to spill all of what I’d been up to. It was an emotional conversation that lasted for about 5 hours.

That was the turning point in my life. The nominal practice, the questionable behavior, living life on my own … each faded away. I never spoke to the other woman again … and Jill and I began to go out again. Jill was raised in a devout Christian family. She considered herself a Charismatic Protestant Christian; along the lines of Pentecostal and Evangelical. After we’d been dating for several months, Jill asked me about my Catholicism; about my relationship with Jesus. Things had been going well between us and there was a possibility of things continuing down the road, maybe leading to marriage. But, she couldn’t marry someone who didn’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ. As I look back on it, it was a kind of point-blank invitation by Jesus to make a conscious choice on the gifts I’d received in Baptism, Communion and Confirmation.

I told her that I believed in God, and that I was Catholic and would continue to be Catholic. I didn’t practice my faith, but I told her that I couldn’t leave the Catholic Church for something else because Jesus built the Catholic Church on none other than the rock… “Paul” (sic).

Paul? Paul wasn’t the “rock”. Peter was! I couldn’t even make that argument right. However, I’d recognized that something of my education had stuck with me. After all, I had retained that Jesus had established the Church, the Catholic Church.

All this got me to thinking about my nominal Catholicism (if it could be called even that!) and one day I was flipping stations on TV and came across this crazy nun talking about Jesus, laughing and having a good ole time. It was Mother Angelica of EWTN. Having access to the internet as I did, I went to the website and found a Q&A section … particularly one on Apologetics (on defending the faith), hosted by Karl Keating of Catholic Answers. I read his responses, and began to learn about the differences
between Catholic and Protestant doctrine — and how to explain Catholic doctrine; reasons for the beliefs and teachings.

From time to time, Jill and I would talk about various doctrinal issues … and how we might be able to reconcile our beliefs. I began doing more searches on the web. I’d show Jill things I’d found. We would discuss and even debate them. It wasn’t boding well. But, we really cared a lot for one another … and were supporting one another in our growth and journey of faith. She knew a lot of what I was already discovering, and I “shared” with her Catholic teaching and interpretations. I say “shared”, but at times I really shoved it in her face. I was learning how to support and defend Catholic doctrine, but I was still missing what I’d call a relationship with Jesus. We decided to stop talking about our differences, and instead try to find the things that we agreed on.

In learning more about Catholic doctrine, I decided to debate in religious chat rooms and discussion groups … rather than debate with Jill. And debate I did! I went by the online persona: fulltruth (and still do, just for the sake of continuity over at the CatholicSource forum.) I lacked much charity in those early days. And, I’d sometimes spend 8-10 hours a day debating (even staying up until 1 and 2 am to read and respond to discussion boards). If there was something I didn’t know … I scoured the net looking for a response that would knock down my opponents’ argument. I was ruthless … and would hammer my point’s home.

Gradually, though, my apologetics gained more charity, and I began to have more civil discussions with people. The head knowledge I’d gained was having an effect on my heart. I returned to Mass. I went to confession for the first time in about 10 years — what an experience that was! I came out of confession feeling spiritually lighter; almost giddy. I think I actually laughed once I’d left the church.

It really felt good to be “home”. It’s what God had been calling me to, and I finally was listening. My life has changed in many ways. Things continued to progress with Jill and I. We eventually got married about 3 years after the phone call of that grace-filled night; in 1998. We haven’t resolved all our doctrinal issues, but we have come a long way. I think we find ourselves growing closer to one another, the deeper our relationship with God becomes. And, surprisingly, its not the doctrinal knowledge that’s helped us grow closer. Rather, it’s been a deeper spiritual relationship with God.

Today, especially having taken a closer look back at where my life has gone …. I can see where God has been there … never giving up on me. That call on that “grace-filled” night …. was God’s interaction. Through that phone call, He saved me. He placed Jill in my life at such a time that I couldn’t ignore Him any longer. There had been other girls that I dated, and one friend whom I really liked and wanted to date more seriously for several years. But, I see now that God had a plan. I don’t think that those other women would have led me back to God … I think God put Jill into my life because He knew me so well. He knew that when Jill began to ask about my beliefs, I wasn’t going to simply accept her beliefs and go on. He knew that I was going to begin researching things, learning, debating, discussing … and, most importantly, come to a living faith.

Jill and I continue to talk about our love of God. When it comes to the daily practice of our faith, we walk hand in hand … and we can discuss various things going on the churches together in a way that reflects the love of God. We continue to grow in understanding of each other’s beliefs, and are raising our daughter to know Jesus and to foster a relationship with Him. We will continue to do this, with our next child, due at the end of this month (March 2003). As a family, we typically attend both Mass at our local parish, and service at a local evangelical free church, each weekend. In raising our children, we will teach them to grow in love and understanding of God … with the love Jill and I have found together in the Lord.

Written March 2003

[tags]faith story, conversion, protestant, evangelical, catholic, apologetics, church, spirit, fulltruth, catholicsphere, testimony[/tags]